


if you knew i was dying, would it change you

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-02-13
Updated: 2007-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-02 14:13:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8670682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: "When Dean sleeps that night, he waits awake just to see if Sam prays again. He half knows, somewhere in the back of his head, that Sam won't but he just wonders if Sam really meant it all."





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

**if you knew i was dying, would it change you**  
*i can barely breathe - manchester orchestra  
coda _houses of the holy_ | sam/dean | pg  
  
 

>   
>    
>  When Dean sleeps that night, he waits awake just to see if Sam prays again. He half knows, somewhere in the back of his head, that Sam won't but he just wonders if Sam really meant it all.  
>    
>  If Sam could really be one of those unmovable kind. Dean wished _he_ was.  
>    
>  \-   
>    
>  Sam doesn't speak for days. Dean doesn't expect any different. He's still a little shocked, a little shaken, a little bit of everything he's never felt before - _like peace. like grace_ \- and he can't really handle it. Any other time, he would've been out of the hotel room, in the bars and just covering, covering everything with blue smoke and stale alcohol.  
>    
>  But not this time.  
>    
>  This time, it's different, it's all screwed up and wrong. But it's actually right. He doesn't feel lifted or saved - he wonders if he had an epiphany at all, because it doesn't feel like it should. Not to him anyway.  
>    
>  He wonders for the days of silence whether this is real and whether he's actually touching the edge of something that he once considered _everything_ or if he's dancing around what he doesn't want.  
>    
>  He hears Sam speak once, low and rough like the edges of broken glass. He doesn't strain to hear, just turns over and covers his face to keep from whispering along.  
>    
>  \-   
>    
>  Dean wants to call John and he's halfway through his list, halfway through the third ring when he realizes - _no_. He thinks of Ellen; he thinks of Bobby or Missouri or anyone. But there's no one.  
>    
>  He's never felt so alone, really.  
>    
>  -  
>    
>  They stop for coffee everywhere and it's the quick little glances that worry Dean. Like Sam has something to say but he just can't. Or he doesn't want to. It's wondering _why_ Sam won't talk that leaves that sinking feeling in Dean.  
>    
>  They sit outside and it's like they're waiting for something but it's like they've met it all head on and nothing's left. It's just... it doesn't feel important anymore. Irrelevant, pointless. Maybe it's just because he's slowed down, but Dean doesn't want to go anywhere.  
>    
>  His knee bumps with Sam's - not accidently. He hopes Sam'll look up, but lately, just getting a loud breath from his brother was cause for celebration.   
>    
>  Sam half-shrugs, runs his thumb over his cup and takes a drink. He's staring off somewhere, watching the people go by but Dean's watching him. He can see everything Sam's trying to hide right there in his eyes.  
>    
>  "Sam," Dean says.  
>    
>  Sam's eyes flicker for only a second and then he's staring at his feet, brushing his toe against the broken pavement.   
>    
>  They sit there until the sun sets heavy and colorful across the sky and Dean kinda hopes that wherever they end up, this will all be important again.  
>    
>  \-   
>    
>  Middle of nowhere and Dean can't keep his eyes open. He's spread out in the backseat of the Impala, knees bent to give himself room. He wants to sleep, but he can see the reflection of Sam's open eyes in the window, pale and ghostly like Sam is only half of what he used to be.  
>    
>  Dean wonders if he is.  
>    
>  "I can protect you, Sammy." Dean wants that to be enough.  
>    
>  Sam stiffens - Dean sees his face grimace. Sam doesn't answer him, just stares out the window at the passing stars and the passing night and he's pretending like he's sleeping but Dean really knows.  
>    
>  Dean finally gives into sleep, rubbing his itching eyes and somewhere there's a soft lullaby in his head and it sounds like tears and whispers of redemption and salvation.  
>    
>  -  
>    
>  Dean doesn't know what he's finding harder to comprehend - Sam's prayers, hidden like a sin in the dark, or his own belief that there is such a thing as God's will.  
>    
>  Dean tries not to laugh when he wishes everything was simple like before.  
>    
>  \-   
>    
>  Another hotel, another night and Sam's facing the opposite wall. He's sitting up right, shoulders hunched and his head bent, staring at folded fingers. Same safe position and Dean knows he can't break the barriers.  
>    
>  Dean wanders in and out of the bathroom and every part of his body hurts. He aches and aches and wonders if it's just from all the sitting. He watches Sam and knows.  
>    
>  The bed sinks when Dean sits down, just enough space so he's not breaking past this invisible wall. He could scream and Sam probably wouldn't hear; it's just this... _thing_ Sam's done ever since he was young and when he couldn't talk, he'd block himself off. Dean had never managed to break through.  
>    
>  Sam's whispering again, under his breath and Dean has to lean in to hear it - _why'd you let me down?_  
>    
>  Dean's back in the bathroom, splashing cold water on his face until he feels goosebumps on his arms. He shakes once he's warm, clutching onto the sink and holding back something, something so raw and real that it's frightening to let it go.  
>    
>  He hears the footsteps and feels the arms around his waist. He continues to shake and not let this raw-real emotion move too quickly, surface too soon, as Sam turns him around, holding him close to his chest.  
>    
>  Dean's body heaves and he breathes deeply, his hands running up Sam's back, trying to find some place to hold, but his fingers just slip. He feels like he's falling, plummeting faster than Sam can catch him and when Sam used to be something so solid, so grounded and so _there_ , Dean wonders what he has left to hold onto if not Sam.  
>    
>  Dean wonders... if Sam falls, how long will it be until he follows?  
>    
>  "I wanted so badly to believe," Sam whispers and Dean gasps.   
>    
>  There are lips on his neck, hot and desperate and alone. They break up spaces in time and Dean's heart skips beats in his chest, pounding his ribcage and he's pushing himself against Sam.  
>    
>  "I wanted that security."  
>    
>  Dean buries his face into Sam's shoulder. " _I'm_ your security."  
>    
>  Sam's fingers on his neck, on his face, tracing the outline of his jaw. Across his lips, dragging skin and so soft against the rough of Dean's skin. "You're not going to live forever, Dean."  
>    
>  And Dean knows it's true. That's the hardest part.  
>    
>  -  
>    
>  Dean hasn't wrapped himself up inside Sam's body like this in weeks and it just feels right. Like he's never belonged anywhere else. The blankets are draped over them like a fortress, blocking them with thin sheets and itchy wool from the outside world and, if only for a moment, they're safe.   
>    
>  Lights flash across the room, through the blinds, and Dean watches it for hours, his fingers resting on Sam's face, slowly stroking. Sam's asleep, face light and shadowed when the lights are gone.  
>    
>  Sometimes, Dean wonders if this is enough to save Sam.


End file.
